3AM

by ~spinningcannon

"Man, it is so incredibly late. This is insane."
He smiled, but I could see the concern in his eyes, "Then why are you still awake?"
I turned to face him, my own smile one of disbelieving amusement. "Too much work, love. And I know, tomorrow's another day, but tomorrow is also the scheduled date for a huge Xanga session, so that's going to devour all of my time…" I sighed. "I am just so exhausted. Not of the work, though," I quickly clarified. "It's this place that gets to me. The anger, the stress, the stagnation of time... It hurts me. I can't sleep with that around me sometimes."
He said nothing, and I was honestly surprised at his silence. He walked over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder, reviewing what I had written, his ever so beautiful green eyes lingering on my sad gray words.
His smile returned with his voice. "You have such an obsession with my eyes," he accused lightheartedly, and I laughed.
"Well, I do. I'm not going to hide it."
"But after eight years?" He was showing his depth again, his words and motions echoing with an oceanic magnitude. "You know, that's the one thing that fascinates me the most about you, Jewel. You've seen my face so many times that you can trace it in your sleep…" An aqua hand moved to touch my cheek. "…But somehow, I never fail to amaze you. You look at me like I'm a new sort of euphoria, a…"
"Trying to get poetic again, are you?" I grinned, but his closeness softened me.
"Well excuse me," he retorted just as gently. "You bring that out in me." And with that, he did something he had never done before in all of our late night conversations—he sat down beside me.
For a moment I was too shocked to realize how important this simple action was, then suddenly my heart began to race and it hit me like a tidal wave. How fitting, I thought.
He wrapped an arm around my aching shoulders and I remembered exactly why I stayed up late like this. Something bright and painful sparked to life in my chest and rose like a flame.
"As I was saying," He began, quieter than before, closer than before, "You insist you're Shirley Estar all over again, but there are some things you just never get used to. Anyone can see that." His eyes were focused on mine and it was all I could do to keep from drowning in them. "But I can feel that. Eight years after you first met me, it never seemed to sink in that I wasn't something new and brilliant in your life. You look at me and I just…" He paused, his gaze faltering. The fragility of it was overwhelming. "I don't know how to deal with it, sometimes. It's as if, in every moment, I am the answer to your prayers all over again. You look at me like I'm the most beautiful thing in the entire world." His voice broke. "And to you I am."
I didn't know what to say as he looked back at me, his eyes edged with tears. "But it never fades. It never changes, no matter what happens. It's the single greatest source of hope I have."
"Chaos…" The emotions I couldn't form into words escaped through his name, and I could see that he knew. For a moment there was nothing but the desperately soundless bonds between us, and then his arms were around me. My breath caught and I returned the gesture, trying to make sense of the kaleidoscope in my ribcage.
"What do I say?" I asked, almost rhetorically. Time was practically standing still.
"You don't have to say anything."
"But I want to," I confessed, and my arms tightened around him once more before pulling him away to face me. "I need to." I felt like crying. There was a devastating glow in my chest as I began to speak.
"Do you know why I cannot, and will never, get used to you? It's because in every moment, we get a second chance. In every moment we can become better than what we were before. And we do. You're still the same creature I fell in love with eight years ago, but do you realize just how much we've changed in spite of that?" I almost laughed. "When I look at you that's all I can see. I see you, just as you are. I see everything you've been through and everything I've known and may never know. I… you just overwhelm me. I'm in love with every last fragment of you. I look at you and you are the most beautiful thing in the entire world, and I love you, and you're here with me and heaven help me but that's incredible. It's incredible."